This one crept under SpamAssassin’s radar tonight, and I’m almost pleased: The original message is in italics, my thoughts in bold text.
Minister Charles Simpson has the power to make you a LEGALLY ORDAINED MINISTER
within 48 hours!
BE ORDAINED NOW!
As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the
church!
WEDDINGS
MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER, or your BEST FRIEND!
Both my sister and I are already married (to other people, I hasten to add), and this suggestion seems rather immoral. I have no desire to marry her anyway, thanks. The message continues:
Don’t settle for being the BEST MAN OR BRIDES’ MAID
Most states require that you register your certificate (THAT WE SEND YOU) with
the state prior to conducting the ceremony.
FUNERALS
A very hard time for you and your family
Don’t settle for a minister you don’t know!
Most states require that you register your certificate (THAT WE SEND YOU) with
the state prior to conducting the ceremony.
Presumably you also offer DIY embalming kits?
BAPTISMS
You can say “WELCOME TO THE WORLD! I AM YOUR MINISTER AND YOUR UNCLE!”
What a special way to welcome a child of God.
If you’re really wierd.
FORGIVENESS OF SINS
Ok, maybe I’m a little interested…..
The Catholic Church has practiced the forgiveness of sins for centuries
**Forgiveness of Sins is granted to all who ask in sincerity and willingness to
change for the better!
VISIT CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES
Why? Oh, I get it. These are the ‘correctional facilities’ advertised in London phone boxes. No thanks.
Since you will be a Certified Minister, you can visit others in need!
Preach the Word of God to those who have strayed from the flock
WANT TO START YOUR OWN CHURCH??
Dunno. Why do I think this has very little to do with actual religion, and lots to do with you making money?
After your LEGAL ORDINATION, you may start your own congregation!
Of wierdos. No one sane would follow a religion I started.
At this point you must be wondering how much the Certificate costs. Right? Well,
let’s talk about how much the program is worth. Considering the value of
becoming a CERTIFIED MINISTER I’d say the program is easily worth $100. Wouldn’t
you agree? However, it won’t cost that much. Not even close! My goal is to make
this life changing program affordable so average folks can benefit from the
power of it.
Since I know how much you want to help others, you’re going to receive your
Minister Certification for under $100.00… Not even $50.00… You are going to
receive the entire life-changing course for only $29.95.
Wow. Is Dr Nick Riviera behind this? Sounds very cheap for *all those big advantages*
For only $29.95 you will receive:
1. 8-inch by 10-inch certificate in color, with gold seal
(Certificate professionally printed by an ink press)
2. Proof of Minister Certification in your name
3. Shipping is free
Why do I get the idea I could just knock one up with some DTP software for erm…. nothing, and it would be worth *exactly the same*?
Press this link to order and learn more [link removed]
To take off, mail or here Central DDB, P O Box 1200b, Oranjestad, Aruba
[link removed]
I have to say this is the best peice of spam I’ve ever had. Can anyone suggest a name for my new religion? You’ll notice that I’ve removed the link so no one can beat me to this offer. HA!. I’ll have MY new religion first……