Category Archives: Evil Overlord

Evil Overlord

Radio Ga Ga

5 Comments

I’ve been meaning to post for a while about this. I don’t listen to the radio that much, but if I do, it’s in the car, on the way to work. This gives me a bit of a conumdrum to work through.

1. I hate Radio 4. It’s duller than a damp Tuesday in Bracknell if the pubs are shut.

2. The stymistress detests Kerrang’s breakfast show, and, come to that, all the depressingly chirpy, drivel spouting breakfast show presenters. She has a point here, but I’ll put up with them for the music.

3. Radio 1? Just fucking don’t, as they say. See (2) above, plus shit music.

4. Local radio: see (3) above, plus adverts.

5. Radio 2: ZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzz Terry Wogan. Dull, wittering, dull again, very variable music. From OKish to Duuuuuuullllll.

6. CD. This eems to be the option, but that means you have to remember one.

Then, the journey home.

1. Radio 4? Still Dull.

2. Kerrang. Dear God, does Emma Scott not come with a mute button? No, by the looks of things.

3. Radio 1? Just fucking don’t, as they say.

4. Local radio: see (3) above, plus adverts. OK, Maybe BRMB, just, at a push.

5. The Ginger Tossser? Not while I have ears and a brain.

6. Remember 2 CDs? Unlikely.

So that brings me to:

Evil Overlord 13: The arrest and trial of all Radio DJs apart from Mark and Lard. Any convicted of excessive chirpiness of vacuousness (as defined by me, of course) are to be imprisoned in a locked room with ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ on an endless loop until they see the error of the ir ways.

Evil Overlord, Rants

The Great Phone & Moron Swindle

4 Comments

I see there’s more fuss about the phone-in competition scandal.

Why?

Apparently this has left some people very upset:

To find out that I wasn’t [in with a chance] makes me really angry and I want my money back.

Sweet zombie Jebus. Are there *really* people that thick in the world?

Oh yes. There are. And they watch Watchdog, and have trouble differentiating between soap opera and real life.

One person has

spent near on £1,000, but you think, ‘Well I’m in with a chance’

A thousand fucking pounds? Lots of people buy cars for less than that. That would buy you a very nice holiday, for example. That’s more than plenty of people earn in a MONTH- anyone on minimun wage, for example.

Tell you what. you give me £1000, and I’ll give you some magic beans that stand about as much chance of growing into the sky so you can rob treasure beyond your wildest fuckwitted dreams from a giant. Fuckwit.

*Is speechless with disbelief, but recovers*

Evil Overlord No.12: Compulsory institutionalisation for people that thick. For their own protection, and so I don’t have to listen to them whine.

*shakes head*

*Realises why the Bumpkin has to whinge about the state of this country, even if he _does_ read the Daily Express.*

*Realises that reading the Daily Express probably makes you like that*

Evil Overlord, General, Rants

Death of a Salesman

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Sweet Zombie Jeebus, if only.

Visited a family members house today, to find they’d previously been visited by a sales droid from this bunch of fucktards fine people.

Evil Overlord No.11: Imprisonment of all obnoxious salespeople (i.e: most salespeople), with daily beatings. With studded clubs.

This one, in response to a “no thanks” and “No, I’m not in tomorrow at about midday”, asked if they would be in at 4pm, and then left a card saying they had ‘requested’ a visit at that time.

Do these people have no scruples or moral standards?

Of course not. You only have to have a quick google to find that:

1. This company sends unsolicited bulk commercial email via an open proxy in France.
2. Their salespeople are the type of idiot that might respond to spam.

Mere speculation on my part is that they changed the domain name to avoid the listings in SURBLs.

Computers, Evil Overlord, Rants

Shower of Bastards

3 Comments

Dear Symantec,

You are a shower of bastard’s bastards, and the second most evil software company in history. Backup Exec used to at least work most of the time, well, OK, some of it. Then you made it worse. Less reliable, more complex, even more of a PITA, just when it didn’t seem possible. Then you added that infernal piece of shit called Liveupdate so that the ‘hotfixes’ that are essential for even a half-working product don’t apply without manually finding them on your website, oh and then you make it that all the remote agents have to be upgraded afterwards, which means restarting every fucking server, yes, even the ones that have Microsoft shitty Exchange on and don’t always shut down cleanly.

The website that is seemingly designed to make it impossibly hard to obtain a licence key even when I have a licence certificate in front of me. You couldn’t just email me the key, could you? NO, you mail me a serial number i have to key into the shitty website to get a key. Bastards. Plus your knowledge base (a misnomer if ever I heard one) has gaps you could drive a truck through, and your documentation beats even that of the most evil software firm for telling you how to do the simplest task in explicit detail, but omitting vital information about anything else.

Did I mention you’re bastards? Oh yes, I did.

Bastards.

Evil Overlord No.10: An eternity listening to ‘Shaddapa You Face’ by Joe Dolci for anyone responsible for releasing commercial software you pay a fortune for that sucks this much.

Evil Overlord, Rants

Selfish Fucking Tosser

8 Comments

We went to the supermarket the afternoon, and as per usual I parked leaving a gap between my car and any others to avoid the dented doors thing. When we got back, there was a battered Mercedes van parked so close we couldn’t get in on the passenger side, and a white paint mark on the nearside mirror (which polished out). No permanent damage (though the temptation to cause some- say 4 flat tyres and a broken windscreen- was strong), but tell me: why did the fucker feel the need to park that close in a long wheelbase van? Oh, I know why. The other spaces were further from the door and he might have got wet, plus he’s a fuckwit. Tosser. It’s not so much the scratch (like I said, it polished out), but more the ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude of people like that, driving an old, beat up van and not giving a shit about someone else’s property.

I can see now why some people park their cars accross 2 spaces. Selfish though it is, at least you stand a chance of coming back to an undamaged car.
[evil overlord]
No.9: Compulsory beatings for anyone parking like a complete cockbadger.
[/evil overlord]
Relatededly, why is it that carpark spaces seem to get smaller, while cars get bigger? Also, why is it that there’s so fucking many disabled and ‘parent & toddler’ spaces?

Evil Overlord, Rants

Wasting Time

2 Comments

Well, about a year ago it looks like I was wasting my time as the speed cushions have arrived in the surrounding streets, so:

No.7: A violent, unneccesarily painful death to anyone involved in the installation of speed humps or cushions: hell, any form of traffic calming. This must involve a rusty corkscrew and acid.

No.8: A trip to Golgafrincham for the wastes of space at Walsall MBC.

[*writes another letter to the councillors*]

Evil Overlord, Rants

Compulsory Beatings

Ok, I’m back to grumpy.

No.5: Compulsory beatings (i.e: if anyone is found doing so, you are compelled by blaw to beat them viciously) for anyone playing music in a public place via a mobile phone without the use of headphones*.

No.6: Compulsory death sentence for anyone testing Every fucking shitty ringtone thier phone has outside of their own home.

*and I’ll happily pull the fucking trigger.

Evil Overlord

Evil Overlord

2 Comments

I’ve had a few converstions with my dear stymistress lately along the line of “If I became leader of the known universe, a good few things would change, I can tell you”.

So i’m going to add a new category: Evil Overlord, and as and when I think of new things, they are going in there. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments. I’ve already consulted the esssential reference material.

No. 1: Curfew for the retired, the unemployed, the independently non-working wealthy, and anyone else who doesn’t *have* to travel to work at rush hour, shop at weekends/evenings etc, preventing them from cluttering up the roads, supermarkets, buses etc when the rest of us are trying to get the chosen odious task over and bloody done with as soon as possible.

No.2: An end to aiming the rules and laws at the lowest common denominator.

No.3: A state benefit system that pays out to the needy and punishes the lazy.

That’s enough now. I’m starting to sound like a grumpy old bastard.

Oh Hang on then:

No.4: Zero tolerance of scumbags, with “scumbag” being defined by me.